I wrote this letter to myself today as I sat in church thinking about Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List that airs on BRAVO TV. A mess, I know!Today is a birthday for me of sorts. I am celebrating the rebirth of cool and learning to be happy in my own skin. ...so I've accepted that I am not going to be America's Next Top Model, the American Idol, the Last Comic Standing or any of the rest of these cookie-cutter, so-called celebs that television has provided for us. I've literally spent my whole life trying to belong all along trying to compensate for all of the "not enough's" and the "too much's."
- I was too black but somehow I wasn't black enough...
- Too short for some (at 5"11) but too tall for others...
- Refreshingly intelligent for some, while just nerdy to others...
- Perceived as a wild child by some but dismissed as boring by others...
- Referred to as "sensitive" and in the same breath told I have no emotions...
- Average to some and "too attractive" to others.. cause you know how those cute boys get real bored quick...
...I can go on all day, but you all know the deal. I'm not cool. I don't drink. I've never been interested in drugs.. I'm not this wild sex fiend (unless you're lucky.) I grew up in a house wit both of my parents.. I wasn't forced to go to church. I sing, love the arts (and artist) but also can watch Baseball alllll day long. I've never been to jail, arrested, shit.. my worst infraction has been one of those red light ticket things.. unfortunately this means I lack "swagger." This coming Thanks Giving I hope I remember to thank GOD that I lake swag... come on now.. if the aforementioned are needed to give me swag, I don't' want it. Somebody needs to slap the shit out of all of you for patterning you personality, style, and social scene behind some shit that P. Diddy conceptualized and has be popularized by abominations like BET. Diddy. Enough Said.
Why do Black folks have these preconceptions about what "authentic blackness" looks like or what "manliness" look like? We have associated undesirable things with blackness. Welfare, food stamps, going to church all day, moving every two years, chitterlings and greens, not knowing our father, etc. etc. etc. with being an authentic black person as if the color of our skin automatically places us on line for some fraternity or sorority and only those who can tell the most dramatic stories will cross those sands.. I'm here to tell you today that people of color are that irrespective of what their voice sounds like, their sexual orientation, which region they call home, or their ability to stomach soul food day in and day out.
I've lived all over the world but moving to Atlanta for college was my first experience living anywhere that was predominately black or in the South. I accept that I cannot dance, that I don't really care for clubs, that I can seem a little mean initially, but that I am also very eager to be accepted. I'm not quit sure why this was, but I'm so glad that it was. If you've ever been invited to the birthday get together because you buy gifts, and then excluded from the social gathering, or been there for people when they needed you but got voicemail when you were in need, or gotten a reluctant invite since you happened to be in the room, you understand.
Stop compromising, adapting, adjusting, and marketing yourself to people that don't want you. They don't want you and won't. I have a good friend who is less than attractive (by his own admission) but is always trying to talk to the "Halle Berry" in the room when we go out. The ladies are always very nice to him, and often even release their contact information, but guess what.. "they just being nice." That's a whole other blog, but the key point is that people are often nice simply because they don't have a reason not to be. When people are interested in your affections, friendship, etc.. they are JUST as intrigued by you as you are with them. One should not have to "sell themselves" to be accepted. As I've opened my eyes, I've realized that many of these folks are not worth the energy, the tears, or the effort.
One should seek to be celebrated and not simply tolerated. As Jerry Springer would say, "take care of yourself, and each other."
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